Chapter one
Cheesy music begins to play as we see Zelda walking out onto the main stage dressed in a black cardigan and knee high matching skirt with red high heels. The crowds pretend not to notice as she trips rather than suffer her royal wrath. She quickly jumps up and waves to the camera. “Hi! Welcome to Ready Steady Zelda the only cooking show in Hyrule! As you know I’m Princess Zelda and I’ll be the hostess. The aim of this show is to have two teams of two competing against each other to create the best tasting dish but they will only have 30 minutes to do it! To decide the winner our special food taster Crazy Windmill guy will taste each dish, if he doesn’t pass out then they’ll be the winners!” The audience cheers. “Now to introduce the two teams. The first team will be Bright orange and its members are; Princess Ruto and Mido!” Ruto and Mido enter the studio, some members of the crowd throw eggs and half cooked chickens at them, one chicken hits Mido on the head and knocks him out. Ruto grabbed the chicken off his head and began to chew it. “Mmmm tastes like chicken…oh wait it is!” Zelda walks over, grabs Mido and takes the chicken off Ruto throwing it behind her back causing it to smash one of the windows. “Erm oops eheh, anyway welcome Ruto and Mido! You will be the Bright orange team so you will need to wear these bright orange aprons” The audience screams at the brightness of the aprons and puts sunglasses on. Ruto looked at the aprons in disgust. “WHAT!? There is no way I am wearing that!” Zelda shoves it over Ruto’s head and pushed them behind one of the counters and continued with the show. “And now for the next team who will be the Bright pink team, welcome Impa and Ganondorf!” Some members of the crowd throw random objects like cactuses and watering cans. One cactus hits Ganondorf right on the nose. “Ow now my nose is dented! Why I outta!” He yelled as he shook a fist at the camera. “Um anyway now we will see what our teams have brought to cook!” Zelda said while smiling at the crowds. She walks over to Bright orange’s counter to take a look. Ruto is busy chucking the contents of her bag all over the table while Mido is just staring. “So Ruto what did you bring and what are you planning to make?” Ruto stopped what she was doing and turned to the camera. “Well, I have some fish, some more fish, and some fish from the river oh and almost forgot…some fish!” “Call me crazy but I’d say fish is on the menu today then.” Zelda said picking up one of the fish. “Oh good idea I never though of that!” Ruto exclaimed jumping up and down. Zelda sighs and rolls her eyes at the camera. “And Mido what did you bring?” Mido digs in his pocket and drags out a single root placing it next to Ruto’s pile of fish. Zelda stared at it in disbelief. “Erm lovely, you two seem to have some great ingredients there. Now let’s see what team Bright pink has brought.” She heads over to where Ganondorf and Impa are just putting on their bright pink aprons. Ganondorf is looking into one of the mirrors over the sink. “Does this make me look fat?” He asked still looking in the mirror. “No Ganon not at all.” Impa said while sniggering behind his back. “So what did you two bring?” Zelda interrupted them. “Let me see, I have some deku nuts, a redead’s arm, a pocket watch and a green thong…HEY how’d that get in there!?” Ganondorf yelled hiding the thong behind his back. “And I have a grain of rice, a skulltula egg and some of the finest Sheikah wine in Hyrule” Impa said pulling out her ingredients.” “Sounds interesting, I wonder what Ganondorf gets up to in that thong? Anyway both teams shall now have exactly half an hour to cook up something edible for Windmill guy to eat. Let the cooking commence!” Zelda shouted as she signaled for the timer to start. A bell sounds and the teams get started. “Now Mido what shall we make with these ingredients?” Ruto asked. Mido took a look at the food in front of him. “Um fish and root? Root fish? Fish with root in mouth?” Ruto put her finger to her lips and thought for a moment. “Yeeees, all good ideas but how about we make a fish root cake?” “Eh? But we have no proper cake ingredients.” He pointed out. Ruto began to search in the cupboards and pulled out a rolling pin. “Um Ruto, What are you gonna do? Roll the fish or something?” Ruto smiled with an evil look in her eye. “Exactly, we can use fish for everything!” Over at the Bright pink’s counter they were also deciding what to make. “Hmm I know! Let’s make a redead pudding with a wine and deku nut sauce?” Impa suggested. Ganondorf agreed so they got to work. Zelda walked to the center stage smiling at the camera. “Well we are 5 minuets in and everything seems to be well…oh no scratch that Ruto is on fire!” “Ahhhh put it out put it out! Who knew fish were so flammable!” Ruto screamed while running around in a circle. Mido throws a banana at Ruto’s head in hopes it will suppress the fire. It doesn’t and the fire spreads to Impa’s hair, which is burnt to a crisp instantly because of all the hair spray she uses. “My hair!” She cried. Zelda pulls a fire extinguisher from her skirt (O-O) and overwhelms the flames, everybody resumes cooking. “Phew! Let’s go over to the Pink table to see how they’re doing!” Impa is nursing the loss of her hair while Ganondorf holds the Skulltula egg over the heat; unfortunately the egg hatches and dashes away. “Nuts!” He shouted as the spider escaped. “They’re next to the pocket watch.” Impa sighed casually. Zelda headed over to have a chat with the windmill guy. “All seems well! Now Windmill guy, how are you feeling about testing these…creations?” “Go around, go around!” “Yes but how do-” “Go around, go around!” “Will you stop-” “Go around, go around!” “Right I’m just not going to talk to you anymore!” Zelda walks over to the orange table leaving the Windmill guy to cackle insanely. Mido is crushing his root ready to put into the cake, when he sees something dash past. “Hay Ruto, did you see that?” “Wha- Ahhhhh!” The Skulltula baby had now latched onto Ruto’s head and is trying to devour her. “Eeeeew” It said as it tasted Ruto’s head Now the skulltula baby deciding it doesn’t like rotten fish launches itself at Mido, deciding that the crazy little Kokiri would make a good ‘Mamma.’ ‘Now.’ The little arachnid thought, ‘To get some of mammas’ milk!’ Mido sadly was having none of it so tossed the little spider into his cake mixture. Over at the pink table Impa was adding her main ingredient to her pudding, the redead arm. But the redead arm, not wanting to be a pudding jumped out of the bowl and started to strangle her; Impa screeched like a banshee and threw the arm at Zelda. “Ahhhhh! Watch where you throw your rotten arms!” Zelda screamed. Luckily for Zelda she was a world wrestling champion so decided to ‘lay the smack down’ on that cheeky little arm. Having recovered Impa looked over to see what Ganondorf was up to when she noticed he had a fuzzy in his hair. “Oh Ganon you have a little white fuzzy in your hair.” She said. Ganondorf shrieked like a little girl and started jumping up and down, unfortunately whacking Impa with his spoon. “Get it out! Get it out!” Impa now looked quite a spectacle with no hair and a big spoon imprint on her face, but she managed to pull herself up and remove the offending fuzzy, deciding the fuzzy looked tasty she dropped it into the mixture. Over at the orange table Mido was making the dough. “Hurry up I wanna press the button!” Ruto yelled “But it’s not ready!” But Ruto being the crazy child she is, hit the button anyway, flour and dough flew all over the studio destroying many expensive cameras, the audience, being very displeased with being covered in cake crud decided to throw rubber-duckies at the orange team. Zelda dodging the yellow projectiles made her way to the centre of the studio. “Well teams your food should now be in the ovens, we now have a 3 minute break; join us after for the testing!” Announcer guy – Do your tunics itch? Do your fish scales never stay white? Well with ‘Navi’s cleaning products’ these problems will be a thing of the past, just send us 200 rupees to 747 Deku tree lane, for your free trial if you’re not 100% satisfied then we’ll send you your money back! Remember you can’t save Hyrule without a clean tunic! Announcer guy 2 – Can you never reach those high places? Always being caught short? Well with springy boots you can now reach any height! They now come in a brand new design, Springy sneakers! Picture of Link jumping and landing in an uncomfortable position Springy boots, it’s the only way to go! “Welcome back! Now it’s time to taste these…creations? Windmill guy are you ready?” “Go around! Go around!” “Take that as a yes.” Ganondorf and Impa bring their pudding forward, but the windmill guy was too busy singing to take a bite, so Zelda picked up some of the food and shoved it in his mouth. “Mmmm red!” “I take it you like?” Zelda asked. “Mmmm blue!” “Well he isn’t dead so that must be good, now orange team your turn!” Ruto hands a spoonful of their gloop to the Windmill guy, he begins to chew. “Mmmm pain.” The Windmill guy continued to chew, suddenly he turned red and then he went from green to purple to blue, he jumped up looking around for water but ended up dropping to the ground never to get back up then a stretcher was called in and he was removed from the set. “Well I guess that makes Ganondorf and Impa the winners! See you in the final! But no one goes away empty handed, Ruto and Mido, you are both banned from the set!” Two big bouncers come in and remove the offending pair. “Thank you all for tuning in! See you all next time on, Ready Steady Zelda!”
Chapter Two
Loud music plays that sounds suspiciously like Slipknot as Zelda walks out into the studio, she turns and waves her arms at some people backstage, one second later and the cheesy music begins to play. “Hi! And welcome back to another fun packed episode of Ready Steady Zelda! Today we will have two new teams competing against each other to see who the best cooks of the world are! Unfortunately our previous food tester Crazy Windmill guy will not be with us today since he has some problems breathing, walking and just living in general. So meet our new tester, the one, the only, the old, Rauru!” Zelda announces. Rauru steps out into the studio chewing on a half eaten chicken. Zelda stares at him oddly. “Um, Rauru do you realize that the chicken you’re eating was one that Ruto ate half of?” Zelda says eying the chicken warily. That said, Rauru threw the chicken into the audience knocking out a man sitting in the back row. “Hmm good aim Rauru, that guy was looking a little shifty. Anyway it’s good to see our new tester but now we must move onto the contestants. Our first team will be the Bright orange team and its members will be Link and Saria!” Zelda announces waving towards the contestants as they march out onto the stage. Link and Saria appear from backstage, Link looks quite angry. “Hey Zelda why can’t we be the green team!?” Link yelled walking up to Zelda who rolled her eyes. “You can call yourselves the fluffy bunny team for all I care but you’re still gonna wear these orange aprons got it?!” Zelda replies angrily. Link mumbled something under his breath and walked off to his counter. “And for the Bright pink team, Malon and Darunia!” The pair comes onto the stage and we see Malon throwing free bottles of Lon Lon milk to members of the audience. “Drink Lon Lon milk, it goes a ‘Lon Lon’ way!” Malon chirped. Zelda slapped her head while shoving pink aprons on them both. “Now let’s see what the Orange team has brought.” Says Zelda as she flounces over to the orange team. Link lifts up his bag and removes: a hat, an ocarina, a Chu Chu, some fairy dust and a loaf of bread. The Chu Chu which was seemingly dead turned out to be alive and began to sliver towards Malon, Saria screeched in terror and jumped into Link’s arms in a very scobby-doo like moment. The Chu Chu, which was red if you really want to know, dived at Malon and swallowed her whole body in one massive bite but then realized she didn’t taste so good and spat her out again, minus her clothes, and Malon flew nakedly across the stage into a Christmas tree that was just randomly there. After a few minuets de-tangling Malon from the tinsel and bulbuls, Malon regarded her naked state. “What the bloody-chu am I gonna do now?” Yelled an angry Malon. “Here my dear you can borrow my tee-shirt.” Rauru offered, he handed her a tee-shirt that said ‘I’m every woman’ on the front in puke pink, because Rauru was so fat the shirt was more like a dress, with that problem solved that show went on. The Chu Chu which was now trying to eat Links hat was quickly sliced into pieces so that the succulent jelly could be used for pie. “Now,” Zelda said sighing and flicking some jelly out of her hair, “What have you brought along Pink team?” Malon pulled out her ingredients: The fire medallion, a shoe, some beef, milk and some rocks. The fire medallion gave of an orange glow protesting about being eaten. Zelda raised her starting gun in the air, “Begin cooking, you have 30 minutes!” she shot the gun, which turned out to be a real gun, a pidgin fell though the sky light and landed in front of Rauru, he quickly scoffed it before anyone could notice. Zelda wondered over to Link and Saria who were now rolling out some pastry and scattering it with bread crumbs, “What are you going to make guys?” Zelda asked, poking the dead Chu Chu. “Chu Chu pie, with bread crumbs and a sprinkling of fairy dust to give it a kick!” Link said happily. “Sounds…sane.” Zelda said heading of towards Malon and Darunia, who were cooking the beef over the fire medallion, while stuffing the milk and shoe in a pot. “What about you pink team, what culinary delights will we be witnessing today?” Zelda asked. “Cul- what? What in Virginia are you talking about?” Darunia asked stupidly. “What are you making?!” Zelda asked exasperated. “Ahh,” Malon said finally understanding, “Why we’re making an old Lon Lon ranch speciality, shoe beef surprise!” “What’s the surprise, not dying?” Zelda muttered backing away slowly to the centre of the stage, as she did so she didn’t see Rauru rolling about on the floor and went flying over him also landing in the Christmas tree the same way Malon had done. “Argh Rauru what in the name of the Triforce are you doing!?” Zelda yelled as some of the security guards helped her up. “Well I was doing my daily exercises of course! A young man like myself needs to keep in shape you know!” Rauru said as he jumped up and wiped himself off Zelda walked back onto the stage and grabbed Rauru by his shirt, “I’ll exercise you in a minute if you don’t go and sit where you’re supposed to!” After that little outburst Zelda headed back over to the Orange table to see what Link and Saria were doing, she picked up the ocarina, “So Saria why did you bring your ocarina here today, I assume you’re not going to try and cook it?” Saria stopped messing with the oven and came over to Zelda. “Oh no I’m not going to cook it; I brought it to play music to the food!” She said merrily With that she began to play really out of tune songs causing Zelda to cover her ears. “I thought Saria could play the ocarina quite well?” Zelda asked Link who was also covering his ears. “Oh that wasn’t her in the game; it was her stunt double that was put in to make her look like she had some talent.” “Hey at least I didn’t need a stunt double to exit my house for me! Link couldn’t even climb down his ladder without getting scared.” Saria pointed out. Link went bright red and hid behind his hat while Zelda moved onto the other team. Just as Zelda was nearing the Pink team there was a loud beeping followed by Malon searching through her pocket and bringing out her camera phone. “Hmm looks like I have a new picture message, let’s see who it’s from.” She casually said as she opened the message. “What the? AAAAAHHHH!” Malon suddenly fainted; luckily Darunia caught her and took a look at the picture. “Oh my innocent eyes!” He screamed and also fainted. Zelda grabbed the phone and took a peek then flashed it at the main camera to show the world what it was. The audience screamed in fright as they saw a picture of Ganondorf in his green thong with nothing else on. “Either Malon is a very dark horse or that was sent to the wrong number, I think I’ll say it was the latter one.” Zelda said while pressing delete. When the pink team was fully revived they all continued on their merry little ways cooking like little house elf’s in Hogwarts at Christmas. Zelda shifted over to Rauru warily, “Well…it’s time I asked you some questions, against my better judgment of course… so, why did you decide to come on the show today?” “Um I dunno I was kidnapped from the temple of light, I was just innocently eating a Ruto sandwich watching the playboy channel, what ever that is,” Rauru said quickly, “Then a big net dropped on me! When I woke up, I was here.” Zelda blinked slowly, than slapped Rauru with a fish, “I’ll ask again and you’re going to answer properly, with nothing in that answer that will scar anyone for life, and if you don’t…” She said threateningly. “Oh right…I like food, I mean I really like food, I mean really really really like food I mean- He was quickly silenced with a wet fish. “So Rauru, what kind of diet is the sage of light on?” Zelda asked uninterestedly. “Sea food.” He replied seriously, “I see food and I eat it!” “Right that’s it!!” Zelda shouted and attacked the cubby sage with a stiletto while shouting, “I knew it was a bad idea having you on the show, but did any one listen no!! Why did no-one I listen, I’m the sage of wisdom for crying out loud!!” By the end of the attack Zelda felt better; while Rauru had several heal marks on his face, and a purple stiletto up his nose. “So teams how is everyone doing?” Zelda asked, now feeling much more cheerful. Suddenly Link yelled, “Ahh man I got chicken juice all over my tunic!” “Where in hyrule did you get chicken juice from?” Saria asked. “Um, I dunno” Link replied clueless. Without warning the remaining Chu Chu jelly that didn’t make it into the pie, reformed into a hideous Chu monster, it was so terrifying both Zelda and Saria jumped into Links arms while Malon hid behind Darunia, Rauru fell of his stool and rolled away. “Save me Link!” Saria and Zelda yelled, “It’s terrifying!” “What are you talking about?” Link shouted, “It’s only half a foot tall, it’s no bigger that my boomerang!!!” Link suddenly collapsed under the girls’ weight, Zelda was the first to disentangle herself, “Right guys,” She said swatting the Chu into the audience knocking of a fat blond woman’s wig, “You have five minutes to finish up, see you all after the commercials!” Need sand? Need it fast? Need it now? Then pop down to your nearest store and pick up a bottle of Gerudo Valley Sand! What does it do? Absolutely nothing! But it comes in these amazingly designed glass bottles, great for displaying in your living room! Sand not sold separately. Do you get sea sick? Can’t save the world because the mere thought of water makes you want to puke? Do you even get sea sick in the shower? Well WindWaker tummy settlers can help, just take one every four hours and sea sickness is washed away! Order now and we’ll send you this free bottle of Gerudo valley sand, so you can take the desert wherever you go! Order now at 0800-im-a-wimp that’s 0800-im-a-wimp! back to the studio “Welcome back!” Zelda cooed, all the contestants were gathered around a counter with Rauru in the centre smiling stupidly. “Now to the testing first,” Zelda started, “The pink team, Malon, Darunia, the Beef shoe surprise if you will!” Malon presented a bowl of a brown substance that could only be described as slop and there was part of a brown clog sticking out at one end. Rauru scooped a healthy (sniggers) amount onto his spoon before shoving it into his mouth he chewed a few times before his eyes bulged and he spat the heal of the shoe into Darunia’s eye, the fire sage fell to the floor and began rolling around in pain. “Does this mean we lose?” Malon asked. “We’ll see if the orange team can produce a worse reaction.” Zelda said, “Now the orange team.” Link pushed forward a pie that was sparkling with fairy dust; it actually looked quite nice, except for the fact that there was a hat poking out. “Is that my spare hat?” Link cried, “I want that back you better not eat it Rauru!” Rauru cut himself a huge chunk of pie, a part that didn’t contain the hat, and swallowed it up. Then Rauru seemed to drop into a drug induced haze, he blinked once, twice, then turned to look at Zelda, “What a pretty thing you are.” He cooed at her, “Come here my pretty!” “Ahhh!” Zelda screamed running away from Rauru, “What the HELL did you put in that pie!!” “Link that wasn’t the…you know…” Saria said watching Rauru trying to climb the Christmas tree to reach Zelda, who was perched on top. “Erm it must have been…the lust fairy dust.” Link said shaking his head. “You look like a fairy on top of the tree!” Rauru yelled, “Come to me my pretty!” “I think this means you win brother.” Darunia said as he stood now recovered from his eye injury. “Cool.” Link said nodding his head in satisfaction. “Yippee!” Saria shouted and then proceed to jump into Links arms. “I wanna go,” Malon added, “That looks like fun!” She said, and then hopped into Links arms. “Me too!” Darunia giggled. “Help meeee!” Both Zelda and Link shouted. “See you all next time, “Zelda said swaying dangerously on the tree, “Hopefully!!” Suddenly the tree toppled over and crushed everyone.